u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
