I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
