Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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