I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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