last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
