halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
