We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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