having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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