she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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