please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
