Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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