A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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