9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I deserve this hangover.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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