My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
