clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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