it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
