I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
