if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this boner is exhausting
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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