Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
