he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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