Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
