If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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