WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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