I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
