my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
