I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why do cheetos always look like penises
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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