Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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