Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
