I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
