I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
