I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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