your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
