Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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