To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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