I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
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