I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
