I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
