I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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