i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
