Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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