birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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