So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
