He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
