I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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