Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
