You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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