I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
