cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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