you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
