Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
